I really have a hard time hearing "You must be a wonderful mommy for God to have picked you to have such special children" or anything that resembles this statement. It isn't because I don't want to think I might be special or because it is hard to hear that God CHOSE this situation for me (though I will admit, if that is how it all went down, I hope He'll one day tell me how He came to this decision), but because it is insulting to parents of typical kids. When I tell people about our situation (which gets more complicated daily) I don't want them to fall all over themselves to make me feel better and I CERTAINLY don't want them to do so by insulting someone else. It is so... Petty. I really hate how much of parenting is now a competition to be better and do better and have better looking, smarter, better behaved kids. What a crock. First of all, who cares. Your kids are your kids and you love them. That's enough. You teach them what you know and learn together the things you don't know and do your best. I know there are parents out there who don't but I am pretty certain it isn't because they just don't care enough. You can't meet the basic needs of someone else if your own needs are not met- it is that simple. But the vast majority of parents try and in this scenario that effort has to be enough.
Guess what else. You can't judge someone else for their decisions until you've walked down the path they've walked. I don't care how you *think* you'd respond or what you *think* you'd do- you don't know. To say "This is what I would do if I were in your shoes" is a waste of breath, because you can't know that. And what makes you think they want your advice so much anyway.
Of course, there are situations where you see someone has made a mistake and you could certainly point it out for them, but chances are, they don't need your help with that. They probably feel bad enough. Just a short while back I saw a mistake- I felt terrible for them- I worried over how to say the right thing without adding to the guilt- in the end I just said "I'll help." Duh.
Lately, I've been feverently praying that God would help me develop a tougher skin. You see, autism and asperger's are basically invisible which means, unless you are putting your kid in a t-shirt that says "I have ASD- You are just a jerk" or some other very obvious announcement, you are going to get a few comments. The last few weeks I have felt this immensely. And it seemed like this outspokenness was a virus spreading to people I didn't know as well as those I knew and trusted. I put a bit too much emphasis on how other people judge my parenting- it is one area that I have little to no self-confidence, so I have been slowly building myself back up after these hits. It is hard to do.
I think I put a lot of effort into parenting my children. I push them to give 100% even if that 100% looks like 25% to the rest of the world. I am almost militaristic when it comes to manners- 3 of my 4 kids learned "please and thank you" before they learned their own names. I really want them to be successful and courteous and I try to impress that on their little brains.
M is on the verge of being diagnosed with... something. The psychologist thinks Asperger's, others think ADHD, I think- I can't handle whatever it is because some days I feel like the last 6 years have been tougher than I ever imagined parenting could be. Asperger's/ADHD on the outside it looks like bad behavior, lack of discipline... Autism looks much the same.
So, here I sit- thinking it all through. Writing it all down so I can remember the blessings in these moments. I have seen articles about Tiger Moms and Dragon Moms and Velveteen Moms, which is better, which produces better kids, and I just think to myself- maybe it isn't what kind of mom I want to be but what kind of mom my children need me to be.
M needs me to be forgiving- he is impulsive and easily frustrated and he needs me to remember where we were 2 years ago, a year ago, 6 months ago and see the progress he's made, before we've even embarked on the journey to name the issues he faces.
L needs me to be silly- he needs to laugh and play and be little because that is who he is and who he may forever be. I can't change that, but I can embrace it.
J needs me to be cuddly- she needs to be coddled and loved no matter how tough she looks and acts. She is a spirited girl who is the first to yell "I'm okay" when she hits the ground, but sometimes a Dora band-aid really is more important than telling her to rub some dirt in it.
C needs me to be alone with her- because my aunt said it just right "She wishes she were an only child." My poor baby girl really just wants some attention just for her and rather than demanding it she is happy to wait until I have that time. I need to make sure I am making that time.
So, forgive me world, if I ignore your comments and just go about my day. Forgive me if I snap at you to mind your own business or tell you "that it's a good thing my hands are full b/c I don't have a spare one to flip you off." I really am sorry I won't live up to your standards, because up til now I thought that was something that really mattered and it is hard to let that go. I know there will be comments and looks and sighs and they will probably get under my skin like a splinter some days, but avoiding those things by not going out won't do us any good and stressing over those things only makes me grouchy to my kids. I am officially entering the phase of "I don't give a crap," so be warned and try not to cross me.
Funny for the day:
M: What day do we leave for the beach?
Me: Friday.
M: Have I ever been there?
Me: Yep, just before you turned 2.
M: Do I remember it?
Me: I don't know. If you do it probably isn't a very good memory. You knocked your front tooth out there.
M: Where did I lose my tooth?
Me: At the zoo.
M: I wonder which animal got my tooth fairy money- I bet it was a monkey and I bet he lost the money because he doesn't have any pockets. We should ask him.
Me: Um- yes.
-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"
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