The 7th Year

I cannot believe it has been that long, but this marks the 7th year of my mom's passing. I think all the time about what this means to me- as a daughter- as a wife and as a mother. Not just her death, but her life. Some days I am enraged at the way she left us. How could she? This especially hit me after I became a mother- because I could not imagine leaving my children willingly to live a different life somewhere else, and one that would be the literal death of me in the end. Some days I am sad- because she is missing this. What I have and who I have grown into- and I like to think that she would be proud of me. Some days I just don't even want to think about it because I have 4 children who need me all of the time and the struggles we face as a family are hard enough without this stuff contributing to it. Today, though- I am glad. Because the life she led, pushed me to lead a different life. Because I know she regretted ever leaving so much that she couldn't forgive herself, I know that giving up is NEVER an option. I know that my husband is the only person who can be here with me to raise me up and remind me of OUR purpose and step in to love our children when I need a break- no one can replace him or our bond.

So, this year- the 7th year- I say goodbye to putting Christmas off until the last moment- I say goodbye to boycotting Christmas music and just barely getting through the day. I say goodbye to tears in the morning and tears just before bed. I say goodbye to the dread and the anxiety that fills my heart as November rolls into December.

Thank you, Mom, for blazing the trail before me- for being the thing that pushed me in a different direction- for being the person who set a clear example that I could look to when I needed to know which way to go. Thank you for making me strong and for making me pick up and move on. I hate so much that we didn't get to spend our lives together- when you were here and after you were gone, but I know that sometimes God has to teach us lessons through hard things.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

God knows...

This isn't one of those creepy "I know what you did" notes in your mailbox (everyone gets those, right?), I promise. This is just me taking an opportunity to remind myself (and all 2 of you who read this) that God knows us. Not us, as in our family and God hang out and we know His favorite food, but rather, He knows you and me. I think, sometimes, at how impossible that sounds and how crazy I am to believe that God, who has so many BIG things to deal with, even blinks in my direction, but this weekend I saw Him blink a few times and that reminds me of every time He has looked at my family and done something unbelievable. So, God knows... He knows that we get down and that autism is a nasty unfun situation to find yourself in, He knows that having children is tough, period, but that having a few (yes, we have 2 on the spectrum now) that will likely NEVER think like you can sometimes feel like a mountain is mounted on your shoulders, He knows that there are times when we all feel like we don't have what we need to do our job, as though He's asked us to chop down a tree and handed us wet spaghetti to do it with, He knows that what He is asking of us is unfair.

And, equally important, He cares. He loves for the choices we make and despite the choices we make. He guides us when we are lost and gives us strength when we are weak. He finds the right person at the right time to lift us up, or He simply reaches down and lifts us up Himself. He always knows what we need, because he always knows our struggles.

So, while I am not so super excited to get "picked" for the job I do, I can completely acknowledge that God gives me every thing I need to complete the task, as long as I am willing to look to Him for those items. Recently, I have felt so low and completely alone and God took time out this weekend to remind me that He gave me everything I need to feel uplifted and surrounded by love. He gave me a husband and He gave me His word. I have taken these things for granted in the past, and have allowed myself forget them and abuse them, and ultimately, came very close to losing both. But God blinked in my direction and set afire and new determination to love the gifts He gives me and to recognize them as the gifts they are.

God knows... He knows what we need, all the time... And sometimes, we need something big and scary to shake us up, as much as we would love to stay bundled in our secure little worlds. I just can't figure out if I am especially stubborn, so he feels like He needs to shake me up more than most, or if He uses me to show others "Keep acting like this one and I'll shake you up the way I shook her..."

Either way, God has never failed me- so I'm on board for the ride, bumps in the road and all.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"