Lonely Days Are Here Again

I am sure MANY moms ran across this article at some point in the last few months:
http://www.parentdish.com/2007/05/24/what-do-stay-at-home-moms-do-all-day

I read it and thought, wow, she must just not know. I felt a bit sorry for the girl writing the question (and also, thought a bit of self-reflection might be needed- who wants to hang out with someone who doesn't want to hang out with you?)

Today, though, it hit me a different way. Being a stay at home parent can be incredibly isolating. Being a working parent can be very isolating. Something about parenting, in general, pushes us back to our homes rather than social situations more often than not. I choose not to do things because I'd have to haul four kids out with me. I am one of the more active mother's of four out there. My calendar is full of appointments and I try to do field trips for homeschooling on top of it. So, there it is. At some point all mothers feel isolated (dads too).

Now, let's throw a kink in the equation. What about mothers of special needs children? I thought about all of the going and doing we don't do with others because of social integration issues and thought of the many instances we haven't been invited because the behaviors exhibited are not among the social norm and thought about the amount of judgement we face when we do go out (everyone judges, even people with special needs kids of their own- society has turned motherhood into a competition, which does a major disservice to our children, but I digress) and realized that a lot of my stress and feelings of being overwhelmed comes from isolation. Not just isolation imposed by me because it is easier, but also, isolation imposed by others because what I have to offer isn't the right thing.

I find myself feeling jealous of facebook posts bragging of a night out or an afternoon spent with just friends. I am downright loathsome of mom's who go on annual retreats with a group of friends. I find myself wondering just what I am missing that keeps me from being a part of a community of friends. Crap, even Denise Richards (ex-wife of Charlie The Warlock- Sheen) has a group of friends that meet up monthly to support each other. Come on! She's a husband stealing back stabber! (She maintains that Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear were already separated, but I get my facts from Dlisted.com and Michael K says otherwise) So, what is it?

Some days I wonder if having a special needs child really separates me that much from the general population? Sometimes I wonder if my effort to stay mainstreamed rather than seeking out a parent standing in my shoes is a HUGE mistake. Before I knew that I had a special needs child or children, I never felt so alone. I felt like I had something in common with every mother I met, simply because we both had children. Sometimes I can't help but get the feeling that I am viewed as one rung less on the ladder of motherhood because my child is "broken." I cannot compete with mothers of children the same age as mine. Theirs will likely be better behaved, have better social skills, have abilities mine may never learn, etc. I don't try to compete. When I hear about a friend's child doing a great job at something, I applaud that. It's great that little Jr. can jump 6 feet though my child can hardly take 10 steps without tripping. I actually do like hearing that little Dolly can recite all of Hamlet though my child can't say his own name. I don't want pity. I am the same as the other mothers out there. I don't want people to withhold news about their children. I can handle the disappointment that comes with it.

There are not many perks to having a special needs child. People might say "you are special because God gave you that job," or "What a blessing to see a child so innocent." I don't feel special, but I don't feel crapped on either. God gave me what was mine. They are all mine. And I don't think it will be a blessing that my child remains innocent when I am gone and his innocence is left in the hands of others, who may not look out for his needs as I have. There aren't a lot of words that can be said, except "He's adorable." I never tire of hearing that.

I run into isolation, depression, anguish, worry, doubt, fear, anger, jealousy, just like any other mother. I don't want to be shielded from the harsh realities of life
because I am having a bad day or a bad week or a bad month or a bad year or a bad life. I am still an adult on equal footing with other mothers. I deserve more than I am giving myself. I know there are people in my life already who genuinely care for me, but who do not understand my life. That's okay. I love them anyway and don't wish a moment of my day upon them. (Though it's their loss because we have some pretty awesome moments) I just want to reconnect with the world at large, but mostly with someone who I can cry to and not have them feel bad for me, just have them understand me. I want someone who laughs with me about cleaning up poop at 2 am for the 4th day in a row. I want someone to see that my finding a bright side doesn't mean that I consider everything else a dark cloud. I want someone who will stand by my decisions when it comes to my children and not question them. I have enough worry that I'm screwing up. Maybe this is what all mothers look for in a friend. I don't know. I just know that if I were in 1st grade and the teacher asked me to draw a picture of my best friend this is what she'd look like.

And, because I know you are curious, the perks associated with having special needs children are as follows (I am sure there are more but these are the ones I've experienced so far):
1. I have awesome problem solving skills
2. I almost always have a witty comeback for judgmental comments
3. I don't take smiles, giggles, laughs for granted
4. I can accept par or even sub-par as the best someone can do (even if they aren't special needs) because I know that sometimes that really is the best they can do.
5. I have a better sense of humor than you. I can prove this one, because you barely laughed during this whole post and I laughed at least 1 time per paragraph.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

School's In!

Almost. Next week M starts 1st grade. And I start teaching 1st grade. Coincidence? Nope. M keeps referring to his teacher (me) as if he has no idea what she'll (I'll) be like. We homeschooled last year so it isn't like he doesn't get the concept. I may don a wig and call myself Mrs. CopperBottom or Mrs. Habersham or even better Mr. Tomnus to keep up this charade he seems to have created in his head. I am also going to homeschool J. Yes, she's only 3 but it is never too early to get started AND she is desperate to "go to school." We'll just learn colors and numbers and letters and see what happens. L goes back to pre-k for the fall. I am excited for him but I miss him so much when he goes to school all day, unless it is one of THOSE days, then I'm happy for a break.

The beginning of the school year always prompts a lot of late nights and even more introspection. I have to look back at our summer and think of how we spent it. What did we learn? (a pinecone throwing ceremony is still not a reason to misuse your slingshot- a horse rib is, in fact, 2 inches long- some kids can levitate and unlock things- learning to walk is difficult when you get too many hugs- dora makes some people so excited!!!!!- if you even so much as blink someone will be into something somewhere)? Did the kids have fun? (I'm going with yes here, but every other day was punctuated with I'm bored) Did I yell too much (probably) Did I give in too little (no- I definitely gave in as much as I could handle/afford) Will my kids look back and wish for this summer? (Maybe, maybe not- hopefully it comes up in their future therapies as a Happy Place) We did a lot of swimming, some playing, some firework shooting and a little bit of birthday celebrating (my baby girl C is 1!!!) so overall I think it was pretty successful.

So, as we begin our new school year I pray that we will learn what God wants us to learn, live as an example to everyone we meet and be successful in all of our endeavors. I leave you with a smattering of photos from our SUMMER!

















-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"