Don't Say That...

I really have a hard time hearing "You must be a wonderful mommy for God to have picked you to have such special children" or anything that resembles this statement. It isn't because I don't want to think I might be special or because it is hard to hear that God CHOSE this situation for me (though I will admit, if that is how it all went down, I hope He'll one day tell me how He came to this decision), but because it is insulting to parents of typical kids. When I tell people about our situation (which gets more complicated daily) I don't want them to fall all over themselves to make me feel better and I CERTAINLY don't want them to do so by insulting someone else. It is so... Petty. I really hate how much of parenting is now a competition to be better and do better and have better looking, smarter, better behaved kids. What a crock. First of all, who cares. Your kids are your kids and you love them. That's enough. You teach them what you know and learn together the things you don't know and do your best. I know there are parents out there who don't but I am pretty certain it isn't because they just don't care enough. You can't meet the basic needs of someone else if your own needs are not met- it is that simple. But the vast majority of parents try and in this scenario that effort has to be enough.

Guess what else. You can't judge someone else for their decisions until you've walked down the path they've walked. I don't care how you *think* you'd respond or what you *think* you'd do- you don't know. To say "This is what I would do if I were in your shoes" is a waste of breath, because you can't know that. And what makes you think they want your advice so much anyway.

Of course, there are situations where you see someone has made a mistake and you could certainly point it out for them, but chances are, they don't need your help with that. They probably feel bad enough. Just a short while back I saw a mistake- I felt terrible for them- I worried over how to say the right thing without adding to the guilt- in the end I just said "I'll help." Duh.

Lately, I've been feverently praying that God would help me develop a tougher skin. You see, autism and asperger's are basically invisible which means, unless you are putting your kid in a t-shirt that says "I have ASD- You are just a jerk" or some other very obvious announcement, you are going to get a few comments. The last few weeks I have felt this immensely. And it seemed like this outspokenness was a virus spreading to people I didn't know as well as those I knew and trusted. I put a bit too much emphasis on how other people judge my parenting- it is one area that I have little to no self-confidence, so I have been slowly building myself back up after these hits. It is hard to do.

I think I put a lot of effort into parenting my children. I push them to give 100% even if that 100% looks like 25% to the rest of the world. I am almost militaristic when it comes to manners- 3 of my 4 kids learned "please and thank you" before they learned their own names. I really want them to be successful and courteous and I try to impress that on their little brains.

M is on the verge of being diagnosed with... something. The psychologist thinks Asperger's, others think ADHD, I think- I can't handle whatever it is because some days I feel like the last 6 years have been tougher than I ever imagined parenting could be. Asperger's/ADHD on the outside it looks like bad behavior, lack of discipline... Autism looks much the same.

So, here I sit- thinking it all through. Writing it all down so I can remember the blessings in these moments. I have seen articles about Tiger Moms and Dragon Moms and Velveteen Moms, which is better, which produces better kids, and I just think to myself- maybe it isn't what kind of mom I want to be but what kind of mom my children need me to be.

M needs me to be forgiving- he is impulsive and easily frustrated and he needs me to remember where we were 2 years ago, a year ago, 6 months ago and see the progress he's made, before we've even embarked on the journey to name the issues he faces.

L needs me to be silly- he needs to laugh and play and be little because that is who he is and who he may forever be. I can't change that, but I can embrace it.

J needs me to be cuddly- she needs to be coddled and loved no matter how tough she looks and acts. She is a spirited girl who is the first to yell "I'm okay" when she hits the ground, but sometimes a Dora band-aid really is more important than telling her to rub some dirt in it.

C needs me to be alone with her- because my aunt said it just right "She wishes she were an only child." My poor baby girl really just wants some attention just for her and rather than demanding it she is happy to wait until I have that time. I need to make sure I am making that time.

So, forgive me world, if I ignore your comments and just go about my day. Forgive me if I snap at you to mind your own business or tell you "that it's a good thing my hands are full b/c I don't have a spare one to flip you off." I really am sorry I won't live up to your standards, because up til now I thought that was something that really mattered and it is hard to let that go. I know there will be comments and looks and sighs and they will probably get under my skin like a splinter some days, but avoiding those things by not going out won't do us any good and stressing over those things only makes me grouchy to my kids. I am officially entering the phase of "I don't give a crap," so be warned and try not to cross me.

Funny for the day:

M: What day do we leave for the beach?
Me: Friday.
M: Have I ever been there?
Me: Yep, just before you turned 2.
M: Do I remember it?
Me: I don't know. If you do it probably isn't a very good memory. You knocked your front tooth out there.
M: Where did I lose my tooth?
Me: At the zoo.
M: I wonder which animal got my tooth fairy money- I bet it was a monkey and I bet he lost the money because he doesn't have any pockets. We should ask him.
Me: Um- yes.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

And yet, I am laughing...

Yesterday, I made a stupid mistake. I was already emotional and battling through some stuff personally and here at home, so I knew better, but sometimes I get in a situation where I can't help but look. And looking is dangerous. I read a story about a family with two sons with autism. The boys are adults, they still live at home and they won't ever be able to care for themselves. I was okay until the article said "I try to never think past dinner." Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Our first inclination as parents is to plan for the future lives for our children, to talk about college and weddings and babies, even before we've moved them out of the house. For plenty of parents it never works out the way they planned it, and that is a tough cookie to swallow, all by itself, but I realize that I am now in the category of people who won't dream those dreams for at least one of my children. That is not to say that I am resigned that L will live here until we die, but I know for certain, that even when joking about his charm and looks that I am, deep down, cautioning myself not to get my hopes up. Which is kinda crappy. Or rather, extremely crappy.

But there is another side, a lighter side, if you will, of being in this position. I don't have to stress about things like "will he take high school seriously and not make the mistakes that I made and will he love God and go to college and explore the world and marry a girl I like and will she let me plan some of the wedding and will he still love me when he's a teenager and will he talk bad about me in therapy and will I be a good grandmother to his children and will he have a good job and so on and so on and so on." I won't encourage you to analyze the questions you have about your children's future- it is time consuming and frankly, kind of boring from my side of the fence, just know that I know that you worry and fret and pray and seek on behalf of your children and that is amazing and wonderful and special. I, though, am not going to put much effort into these flights of fancy, not because they won't come true ever, because, who knows, they might, but rather, because it is a waste of my time to worry about these things when there is no promise whether L is autistic or typical.

That's right typical parents- your kids could stay home forever too. There is no promise, despite our best efforts and heartfelt parenting strategies, that our kids will ever be self sufficient. And, this time, it doesn't necessarily have to do with crappy parenting or poor values (although, face it, it does play a part, sometimes). Your kid may just be lazy. Your kid may just decide that whining and crying and freaking out will make life easier than actually doing the work. And, dollars to donuts, they know EXACTLY how to break your will so you step in the solve the problem.

I am not laughing at your situation, I am in the same one, though mine has less uncertainty (with one of my kids- the other 3- totally up for grabs). I'm simply pointing out the fact that, for once, we are on the same playground. This is probably the first time ever I have WANTED to comfort the parent of a typically developing cookie cutter kid. I am not being mean- it's just hard to do when I am in my own head. I am a big fan of "whatever your emotion is you are allowed to have it, despite the circumstances others find themselves in." It's a long drawn out way of saying "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

My point? I guess it is to realize that I can stop feeling sad about "losing something" that no one has anyway. Promise of a future. None of us have it.

To end the post, I'll give you some more insight into my life.
Conversation with M:

I was in the bathroom cleaning myself up after having spent 20 minutes sobbing because my emotions are CRAZY right now (I am not pregnant) and M comes in.
M: What are you doing?
Me: Having a moment...
M: Why is your face all red like that?
Me: It was a tough moment.
M: Did you need to go to the bathroom and it was really hard?

Yep.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"

I am AWESOME...

Some days I look around and think "I suck." Some days I look around and think "eh- I'm not so bad." Then there are days, though few lately, that I look around and realize "I am AWESOME!" Anytime I come across one of those days I need to celebrate it. Today- was that day. I was productive today. I gave my husband advice for a situation in the REAL WORLD and it worked! Yep, I still have the ability to communicate with other grown ups. This is exciting. M and I finally found a way to break through the barrier of frustration with his reading. I called a bunch of people, I cleaned out my car, the garage, I did a puzzle with J and she identified 17 letters correctly, I prayed my heart out for a family, I shared J's story with a family to give them hope, I made my grocery list, I made some important appointments, I emailed some people, I worked on more fund raising stuff. Come on! Get on this bandwagon! I am awesome!

And yet...

I will still have bad days. I will still not forgive myself for the pile of laundry in the laundry room. I will still worry about this thing or that thing. I will still ignore a phone call I should have taken, spend a dollar I shouldn't have spent, yelled when I should have whispered, talked when I should have listened, taken when I should have given, and run when I should have walked. I am human after all.

Today is a day that I say "I am awesome." But also a day when I realize how much grace I need from God. Sometimes I don't lean on Him because, hey, I'm amazing, but today won't be that day. I lose my temper, I cry, I get frustrated, and I need to remind myself to say a prayer and take a moment rather than react out of anger.

So, right now, while I feel amazing and my day has been pretty spectacular, I am giving it to God and acknowledging that I need Him now, when I am doing well, and not just when things are bad or hard.

Because, as awesome as I can be at some things, God can be unbelievably awesome at everything.

And because every post needs a laugh, I leave you with this:
Me: "J, what do you have?"
J: "Candy."
Me: "Is it smarties?"
J: "Yes"
Me: "Can I have some?"
J: "Yes, you can have a fartie!"
Me: "Now that you mention it, it does kind of taste like a fartie."
J: "Yeah."
-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"