The 7th Year

I cannot believe it has been that long, but this marks the 7th year of my mom's passing. I think all the time about what this means to me- as a daughter- as a wife and as a mother. Not just her death, but her life. Some days I am enraged at the way she left us. How could she? This especially hit me after I became a mother- because I could not imagine leaving my children willingly to live a different life somewhere else, and one that would be the literal death of me in the end. Some days I am sad- because she is missing this. What I have and who I have grown into- and I like to think that she would be proud of me. Some days I just don't even want to think about it because I have 4 children who need me all of the time and the struggles we face as a family are hard enough without this stuff contributing to it. Today, though- I am glad. Because the life she led, pushed me to lead a different life. Because I know she regretted ever leaving so much that she couldn't forgive herself, I know that giving up is NEVER an option. I know that my husband is the only person who can be here with me to raise me up and remind me of OUR purpose and step in to love our children when I need a break- no one can replace him or our bond.

So, this year- the 7th year- I say goodbye to putting Christmas off until the last moment- I say goodbye to boycotting Christmas music and just barely getting through the day. I say goodbye to tears in the morning and tears just before bed. I say goodbye to the dread and the anxiety that fills my heart as November rolls into December.

Thank you, Mom, for blazing the trail before me- for being the thing that pushed me in a different direction- for being the person who set a clear example that I could look to when I needed to know which way to go. Thank you for making me strong and for making me pick up and move on. I hate so much that we didn't get to spend our lives together- when you were here and after you were gone, but I know that sometimes God has to teach us lessons through hard things.

-LL
"profiter de la doublure d'argent"